Enemy Down

The Senor Bosse Files (aka the Obession of a Fifa Fanatic!)

Dekko's Fifa 09 madness spills over on to the page. To read it is to stare into the eyes of the abyss.

Posted by Dekko on Apr 29th 2009 12:01

I have been playing Fifa 09 a while now and many of you may well be aware that I think it is the strongest football game in an age, even genius.

I tend to play it now more than any other game, in fact most other things don't fill me with any interest at all, I don't even play online anymore except on Ultimate Team.

I've become a Live hermit, excluding myself from the cyber scapes of Halo 3, Gears of War and Call of Duty.

Instead I sit huddled in my Fifa 09 cave, my fortress of solitude and I am happy there, I have reached the mountain top.

The game becomes such an obession, especially Manager Mode, that I have not just random names for my made up characters (players & manangers) but also histories, thought patterns, a whole personality, country and universe.

Here I give you just a taste, a snippet, by letting you in to my Fifa world and in to the psyche of one of my characters, an important one as he is my main manager, Senor Bosse (rhymes with 'moose').

I'm practically exposing myself by showing you this & am open to ridicule but the game is so good that it matters and I'd love to know your Fifa characters and stories, hopefully I'm not the only one!

Anyway, may I introduve to you Senor Bosse from Beanerland.

The Senor Bosse File:

Senor Bosse was born in a brothel in a small hamlet named Heapo de Groundo which is situated between five and one thousand miles south of Villareal, Spain.

He was abandoned by his mother, the towns top prostitute who had earned her reputation through a hardy tounge & a sterdy throat and she was renowned by the local goat herders & considered classy due to her less severe dementure, minor facial hair and limited grasp of language.
 
Bosse was found in a used condom bin aged fifteen years, confused, cold and hungry he was nursed to health by the towns number one, first choice wet nurse who also to be his mother. It was a small town.

Overcoming this rough start Bosse discovered a gift for the beautiful game, abandoning that he turned to football.

At the age of six Bosse was a world class attacking midfielder and earned a whole bread crust a week in the football academy of his local team El Queef.

His luck changed when a travelling scout spotted him score a goal from the stands during a hectic, violent match in which two players died when he was aged just nine.

The scout was a mysterious man who spoke of an island devoted to football, fu**ing, fighting and chicken that was situated to the south east of the Mexican coast, well usually, the island moved as it saw fit.

Of course we now know this island as Beanerland, home of the world's greatest footballing teams and its top league; La Polla Liga.

Bosse played there for twenty five years as an attacking midfielder anfd striker with the one of the best teams in the land Inter Beaner Loco.

He went from his one bread crust a week El Queef wage to a superb two whole chickens a week with Inter Beaner, for you see the island of Beanerland is populated by chicken farming footballers and chickens are the main currency.

He retired from the game at thirty five, which is early for a player in the Beanerland leagues and then took his coaching exams and got his badges, this took ten years as the Beaner exam is long and tough as they have a lot to teach, being the best in the world.

Bosse couldn't manage a Beaner team at the time as they have managers for life, thus a waiting list of ex-players tend to accrue over time for managerial posts thus he departed the island and went back home to Spain.

There he got a job as assistant urinal scrubber at Real Zaragoza for his playing career & extensive coaching exam mean't nothing to the rest of the Earth as Beaerland was a closely kept footballing secret known to only the top players, the place was a legend.

However, due to a bizarre charity quilt weaving accident every member of Zaragoza's staff from the manager, physio, grounds keeper down to the programme sellers all were smothered to death and the players paniced but Bosse's cool head grabbed their attention (his side line in organising quilt weaving events for charity was mostly ignored) and he offered to lead them until a new coach could be found, he did so well for the club however that he managed them for three seasons winning first promotion to La Liga, then the next season La Liga itself and thus gaining entry into the Champions League which next season he won along with his second league title until he decided it was time to move on, the club naming his Club Presidnt for life.

His next move shocked La Liga as he was a sure thing to fill the vacant hoy seat at Barcalona, instead he fulfilled a boyhood dream and went to Italy and AC Milan.

He is currently as I write seven months in to his fourth season and is top of the league by eleven points, his personal rivalry with Jose Mourinho & his Inter Milan has become the stuff of legend culminating in the most recently publicised event in which Bosse publically flopped his scrotum on Mourinho's wifes forehead at a televised press conference.

Since joining Milan he has had nothing but success winning Serie A three times (and close to his fourth league title in a row) while he got Milan back into the Champions League with his first season, winning it both times with the next two.

He has also won the Coppa National & Supra Coppa National each season. He is unstoppable but this season rumours persist that he may move back to his native Spain or to England and the team he cites as he favourite; Arsenal.

He rules no possibility out as he is a legitimate bad ass.

Here is his current Mlan squad built from the foundations of the 2008/09 team of Carlo Ancelotti but now made into so much more, perhaps perfection itself?

Senor Bosse's Current Milan Squad

First Team:

GK: Christian Abbiatti

RB: Gianluca Zambrotta

RCB: Alessandro Nesta

LCB: Kakhaber Kaladze

LB: Marek Jankulovski

RCM: Mathieu Flamini

CM: Andrea Pirlo

LCM: Wesley Sneijder

RF: Kaka

LF: Ronaldinho (aka 'Man Flesh!)

ST: Miroslav Klose

Subs:

GK: Brad Friedel

LB: Gabriel Ivan Heinze

RB: Sergio Ramos

CB: Runar Lehner (in on loan)

CM: Aaron Ramsey

CAM: Rafael van der Vaart

CAM: Stephen Ireland

LM: Franck Ribery

LF: Lukas Podolski

ST: Eduardo

ST: Samuel Eto'o

ST: Jermaine Beckford

CF: Alessandro Del Piero

Bosse is particuarly proud of his defense who are a brick wall, clean sheets being a regular (although in Bosse's world a clean sheet means that the other players don't shit in your bed that night for letting a goal in) and his two centre halves are, in his opinion, the key to his whole team, more so even than Kaka perhaps.

Kaka would be the heart yes but Kaladze and Nesta are the body.

However not all teams, even one as fine tuned & awesome as Bosse's are perfect and every manager has an eye to future players for his team.

Now we're lucky enough to have some inside info on the Gaffers transfer thoughts.

Possible Future Signings From Bosse's Black Book:

Lescott (Everton)

Ben Arfa (Marsille)

Kanu (Portsmouth)

Fabregas (The Arsenal)

Arshavin (Arsenal)

Messi (Barcelona)

Raul (Real Madrid)

Pires (Villareal)

Xabi Alonso (Liverpool)

Thierry Henry (Barcelona)

David Villa (Valencia)

Joaquin (Sevilla)

Fernando Torres (Liverpool)

Wayne Rooney (Man U)

Kolo Toure (Arsenal)

Mata (Valencia)

Emana (Real Betis)

Senor Bosse will, probably, never have all these players in a squad at one time due to not just ligistics but also his strict wage policy which will see the clubs expenditures never peak so that they get into debt, he cares for the clubs under his wing and wants them to earn cash, a reason why he is in demand as a manager. He also remembers to courtesy flush.

But wait; this just in!

Senor Bosse has not renewed his contract with Milan at the end of the season and is instead moving to Everton under the promise of winning them a cup and getting them into Europe.

Will the Boose succeed in this hard task?

Everton's starting eleven under David Moyes used a 4-4-1-1 formation, the players were:

GK: T. Howard

RB: T. Hibbert

RCB: P. Jagielka

LCB: J Lescott

LB: L. Baines

RM: Mikel Arteta

RCM: P. Neville

LCM: M. Fellaini

LM: S. Pienaar

CF: T. Cahill

ST: Jo

Alas, by the time Senor Bosse did his stint at the club some key players had been sold including Lescott who the Boss had been looking to sign, Bosse concidered Lescott very important so his absence would thus make the job harder.

Let's compare now what Moyes had with what Bosse had.

Senor Bosse's Everton Squad

Formation: 4-2-3-1

GK: Tim Howard

RB: Tony Hibbert

RCB: Phil Jagielka

LCB: Joseph Yobo

LB: Lars Jacobsen

RDM: Phil Neville

LDM: Marauane Fellaini

RAM: Mikel Arteta

LAM: Tim Cahill

CF: James Vaughn

ST: Louis Saha

Subs:

GK: Iain Turner

CDM: Jack Rodwell

CM: Segundo Castillo

CAM: Leon Osman

RW: Andy van der Meyde

LW: Steven Pienaar

ST: Yakubu

ST: Victor Anichebe

CF: Jose Baxter

As you can see there was work to do with this inherited team with a severe lack of fire power in forwards and no back up defense.

Things were tough and the budget was tight but Bosse knew how to turn a situation around and vowed to lift Evertons plummeting league form.

First thing he did was to re-buy Lescott, a popular move with the fans. That was all his war chest would allow, when building a house you start with the foundations but next on his agenda would be a striker, perhaps a re-buy of Jo so Bosse could continue where Moyes had left off until his untimely splatting death caused by a lardy woman who fell from the top deck of a bus chasing an escaping Fruit Pastille. Merseyside mourned (the Fruit Pastille never recovered).

Bosse whipped the team into shape fast with such tactics as promising the player who trained the hardest four whole fried chickens and a Coke at the end of the month, he never delivered of course instead slapping the player hard for daring to ask for said incentment.

He used team building exercises to raise morale, a favourite was terrorising John Motson, this began with slashing his tyres and leaving a note saying 'it was Bosse & his team' and escalated to house invasion and the molestation of Motson's pet terrier Mildew.

The team began winning, not by much, one-nils but none the less a win and their league position ascended.

Not only that but their F.A. Cup run went from strength to strength.

At the end of his first season in charge Senor Bosse had made the club a profit by unloading some dump players, two of which he murdered by strangulation framing John Motson's wife Jean for the crime so perfectly that the English justice system bought back hanging just for her.

He'd helped them to fifth place in the league (their highest since Moyes) and thus earning them a European place but the biggest part was the winning of the F.A. Cup.

Bosse had thus fulfilled his pledge to the club chairmen about a cup and a European place.

Time came to sign his contract for next season & beyond with all expecting Bosse to build on the good work of his first term & to take Everton to their first Premiership league title but then shock news; Bosse refused to sign over, what he described as 'an unforgiveable slight' from the chaiman.

The fans were stunned, in shock and tears, some bured themselves in protest but it did no good, Bosse is a hard man and he had one more shock to deliver.

He was going back to Milan!

The news was huge and the city of Milan and all of Italy went wild when hearing the news, the San Siro was renamed San Senor in his honour and the team wept openly in public for a fortnight.

Things were in a stat back a his beloved AC, the worst being that half of the body of his team had been ripped out with the selling of Nesta. Bosse's first decree was to get Nesta back but as of time of writing the transfer season is yet to open.

Also the squad was filled with a bunch of useless subs who Bosse had earmarked for ousting after seeing their squad photos alone so keen was his analytical eyeball.

His first game was at Home in the San Seno against Roma who received a 2-1 schooling on the ways of pure nfootball and oh boy oh boy was it a homecoming.

What more can Bosse achieve with AC Milan?

Why, the sky is not the limit and world domination is but childs play for a team so great.

The world waits with baited breath to see what Senor Bosse and his team can achieve.

And thus the world of Senor Bosse.

There you go, see, total madness some might say but no it adds to the game as every goal matters more, baby!

This isn't the half of it though, oh no, I (and a friend of mine is also a co-hort in this) have a whole Beanerland culture going with not one league but three; La Pollo Liga (Division 1), La Segundo Mejor (Division 2) and a college league and each league has sixteen teams, all created with their own name, players (all with their own names & histories) and each team has a history with rivalries.

These exist on Pro Evo '08 but as soon as Fifa cottons on to the creation options of PES there they'll stay.

Some Beanerland resients have migrated over with Senor Bosse though and great they are. I have a ring binder full of pages filled with names, histories, stories etc all to do with Beanerland.

It's a bit of an obession and there you have a peer into the dark life of a Fifa fanatic.

Does it scare you or would you care to join me here in the mist?

I hope this has all been of some education to student psychologists out there and for the rest of you don't worry the bizarre Fifa rant has come to an end, you are now acquainted with Senor Bosse and Beanerland.

Take heed Fifa players, the game is addictive. I think EA laced the disc with crack. Yes, that's it! Think of how it begins with that smug American voice smearing out 'EA Sports; it's in the game'; it's a clue hinting at the drugs caked on that darn disc!

Well now we know; it's not me with a problem but an evil EA plot.

Thank you good people for taking part in this experiment, now please feel free to add your stories beneath.

Good night.

I'm off to play some Fifa............